How to Make New Habits Stick

Some people wonder what it’s like having a coach, so I thought I would give you a behind-the-scenes look.

Many think of coaching as solving problems, developing skills, or navigating challenges. While that's certainly part of the process, some of the most meaningful work happens after progress has already been made.

Recently, I was working with a client who realized that constantly reacting to misalignment, mistakes, and imperfections was creating stress for him and disconnect with his colleagues.

Together, we explored a simple but powerful truth: while you cannot control every situation, you can control your response.

Over time, he implemented new tools and mindsets. The results have been remarkable.

But now come the harder questions:

How do you sustain the change?

How do you keep new learnings front and center when life gets busy?

How do you integrate new skills into who you are, not just what you do?

That's where coaching often shifts from learning to identity.

The goal is no longer to remember a technique. The goal is to become the kind of person for whom that behavior is natural.

As I was putting together some thoughts for him, I realized these ideas might be helpful for others as well:

A framework for turning intentional actions into lasting habits.

One of the key concepts James Clear discusses is that lasting change comes not from willpower, but from creating systems that support the person you are becoming.

The goal is no longer to stop being a stickler or to stop noticing imperfections. In many ways, your attention to detail and commitment to excellence are strengths that have contributed to your success. The opportunity now is to create enough space between noticing and reacting so that your leadership, not your reflexes, gets to decide what happens next.

Identity

Rather than focusing on what you are trying to stop doing, consider reinforcing who you are becoming:

• I am a leader who seeks understanding before evaluation.
• I am a leader who responds thoughtfully rather than reacts quickly.
• I am a leader who notices strengths and opportunities.
• I am a leader who is curious before being critical.

Each time you pause, ask a question, or choose curiosity over judgment, you are casting a vote for that identity.

Habit Stacking

One of the easiest ways to make a new behavior stick is to attach it to something you already do.

For example:

When I step out of my car at the hospital, I will take three slow breaths and set an intention for the day.

Your intention might be:

• Assume positive intent.
• Ask before telling.
• Seek understanding first.
• Notice what is working.

Or:

When I place my hand on the hospital door, I will ask myself:

"What kind of leader do I want to be today?"

Create a Pause

The moments that matter most are usually the moments when you feel frustrated, disappointed, or tempted to correct. This is where the PAUSE comes in. Give yourself the gift of time.

When that happens, try this simple framework:

1. What am I noticing?
2. What story am I telling myself?
3. What else might be true?

That third question often creates enough space for curiosity to re-enter the conversation.

The One-Question Rule

Rather than trying to remember multiple tools, focus on one simple practice:

Before offering a correction, ask one question.

Examples:

• Help me understand…
• Can you expand on your thinking?
• What factors influenced that decision?
• Tell me more about how you approached this.

The goal is not perfection, it is opening the door towards deeper connection and understanding.

Remember: what a person initially says is not always the whole story, dig deeper.

Design Your Environment

Rather than relying on memory, create cues that remind you of the leader you want to be.

Examples:

• A note on your computer that says "Pause."
• A phone wallpaper that says "Curiosity > Certainty."
• A card in your car that says:
  • Breathe
  • Ask
  • Understand

Reminders are not weakness, they are signs of commitment.

Measure Success Differently

At the end of the day, instead of focusing on where you fell short, ask:

• Where did I pause today?
• Where did I ask instead of tell?
• Where did I show curiosity?
• Where did I let something be good enough?

Progress is not measured by never reacting. Progress is measured by increasing the number of moments where you choose your response intentionally.

A simple framework to remember:

Cue → Pause → Question → Choose

You notice something.

You pause.

You ask a question.

Then you choose your response. (Respond vs. react)

You've already made amazing progress. These practices are simply designed to help make those new behaviors automatic so they become less about effort and more about who you are.

Remember, one small step at a time. Perfection is not the goal. We are all continual students and this is just a moment in time.

Keep up the great work.

Shandy

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